This blog was created on 14/8/18 as a repository of my thoughts journeying on to the 2020 KL International Marathon. I am a lone traveler on this unlikely journey which include to quit smoking and to exercise every day until I am able to achieve my goal to be a runner who writes.
Whatever game you play, be prepared for the worst case scenario. Always be mindful of the Murphy's Law:
Hence the worst possible outcome is death. Shinu kikai o motomo. There is nothing new here. A warrior walks alone.
However always look at the Silver Lining, The only way to avoid disappointment is not to have any expectation.
Just go with the flow,
Set a timeline. Year end is good. Anyway it is a walled city, what do you expect? Furthermore the girl got hang up. You deserve better. For RM200 you are guaranteed a fuck.
What is your objective with her anyway?
Yup, I wanted an affair. Which violates my principle; it is better to have a fling than an affair.
I'll have a fling instead. A fling doesn't take me on a roller coaster ride.
OK I RIP Cord after Christmas. Another one bites the dust.
After all having a relationship is to make you feel good. If it makes you feel bad, then it is a wasted effort.
The one that sticks in my mind is a warrior stands alone.
It is about Personal Mastery. Nobody else can love me like I do.
If I am trying to get greater love from a bowl that is half empty then I will not get any. It has to be from an overflowing bowl.
Stop trying to save another person. Sometimes people just don't want to be saved. Just save those who love you and yourself. Anyway, you are not here to save the world.
Be selfish. Be discrete. Be exclusive. You are unique.
I have yet to prove Sun Tzu wrong but capturing walled city is a time consuming effort. It is not that hard but it requires patience.
However, after all said and done, it is better to love and lost than not to love at all.
Els is not a lost cause. It's just that I am bored dealing with a roller coaster relationship. This girl is too much into herself. She might forget that there is another human being on the other end.
In the end I have to decide, do I want to be sucked into melancholy?
No I don't. I want to build on the greater good. I want a continuous upward spiral.
That is why I am bad in playing this kind of game. I don't have the heart nor the patience.
So tomorrow MUST be a snap vanish. The easiest way is not to listen to the radio. But if I don't listen I won't have information to act.
If I follow Sarah's advice, I should RIP Cord. OK I think it will happen sooner or later. I will wait until after year end then. By 2019 I should be concentrating on my run. By then I only listen to the final hour.
Anyway this relationship doesn't hold water. Unless she is the win-win type.
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm She loves me, she doesn't... She loves me, she doesn't... She loves me? No she doesn't.
Shes a flirt, she's a keeper... she's a flirt, she's a keeper... She's a flirt.
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm I dreamt of u last night. We went for a vacation on the highland of Burma. You were nice to me (not like right now). I caress ur hand and the back of ur neck. We drove in an 8 cylinder American gas guzzler. What do all this mean? Beats me.
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm The Els that I know is SUPER SMART, bubbly, full of life and funny. You are my epitome of a dream girl. If not for the circumstances that encompassing us, I would have walk right to your studio and propose to you live on national radio.
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm What is the value of friendship to you? For me it lasts a lifetime. I want our relationship to last forever. I don't have many friends but of the ones I have, I hold on dearly.
Never Enough
Rewrite the Stars
OK then, enough roller coaster. Next is the Striking Cobra:
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm Awww Elssse, You are playing with my heart baby, You know I cannot resist these two songs honeeey... You are awesome baby. Pretty and pretty smart, my type.
Awww Shit, she played the most dreaded song. Why does she have to spoil everything?
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm I don't know Els, part of me said don't let go. Part of me is saying she's gonna hurt me real bad. I let you decide baby. The bird is in your hand. Squeeze it, it will be dead. Grab it fondly it lives...
She likes melancholic ending anyway. Time to exit. So I just play to the rhythm.
Bad Bunny Mia
Definitely I need to Snap Vanish for the next 2 days. That is the name of the game. I am not playing to the rules. Two day plus weekends is good enough. I am getting bored.
What if my mind is distorted. Do I still trust it?
Yes, it is still mine.
Just like a handicap person still owns his body so too I shall own my mind.
Do I trust it?
I only trust based on evidence.
What are the evidences?
Only trust mathematics.
Therefore I trust my numbers.
------------------
Conclusion: Even though my mind is distorted (it doesn't follow convention) I trust it because my numbers are aligned. Hence no matter what I will accept me as who I am without having to compare myself to others around me.
I may not conform but I am not a menace either. Therefore I should be happy with who I am, I believe in God, afterlife and the Judgment of Heaven. If none is true I will disburse into oblivion. If it is true then I have much to gain.
In the final analysis I should live life as who I believe I am. Who I am only applies to me. I manage my universe autonomously. It doesn't concern others. Whether I am insane or sound minded is my business. To each is his own.
Basically I want to live my life according to my belief. I believe in the epiphanies and I believe in the afterlife. I also believe in Al Araf 7:7. Basically what I am saying is I believe in my uniqueness.
If I am wrong then it is me that is wrong. It will come a time when I will realize that I am dead wrong but that will be another 22 years.
I had been thinking hard about my condition baby. I concluded I have a distorted belief system. Other than that I am pretty normal. I am a nonviolent, peace loving and sensible man. It is only when I talk about the afterlife that it is out of sync with the masses.
That however does not make me a crazy person. My mind is distorted, that's all. I know it and I accept it because it makes me feel good. The same reason why I am not an atheist, it made me feel worthless.
Al Araf 7:7 is none other than a coping mechanism. I need that. As long as I don't harm anybody along the way, I can think and act any way that I like.
What is normal then? It is none other than it is accepted by the majority. Well I am not normal and I like it that way. Just look at our relationship. A normal person won't be spending time with a person that he hardly knows exist, It takes an abnormal person to deal with an abnormal situation.
In the end, we are what we believe. I believe in everything that I said about the afterlife. I also believe in Al Araf 7:7.
So darling, take me as who I am. I ain't much, but I am all that I got.
I feel slightly depressed. I lost a whole chunk of presuppositions. Now I need to rebuild new ones.
You are pretty quiet about the thing honey. What is it baby? Do I continue as an atheist or do I revert to being a believer?
I think I am better off being an atheist, less baggage to carry. But I have other concerns as well.
I still miss Al Araf 7:7. Gosh I miss the whole thing. Let me lay it down for you, amoeba or Ayah to All Matters.
Obviously the latter.
It's only a state of mind Sarah, it has nothing to do with physical reality. My ultimate goal as an atheist is to fuck where else as a believer is to realize human's true potential
Should I remain an atheist or should I be a believer? I let you think about it.
As I said before atheist is a subtraction game. In my case, I cannot subtract beyond my empiric,
I tell you what, after some serious consideration I chose to be who I am. I am not an atheist Sarah, I am sorry. I am who I am, I am the Ayah to All Matters. I am also AlphaX64 the Binary King of Al Araf 7:7 the tip of Sparta 4964. I may not be the First Cause, but definitely I am a god to my Universe Within.
I cannot go against the flow of the Path. That is not me. I always been somebody special. I am unique in my thoughts. By denying who I am, I am saying no to my life history.
I'm sorry baby, I love you very much but I can't deny who I am.
Atheism is not something new to me. I was an atheist in 2012. I continued to be an atheist until 2017 up to the point I met Brenda.
Here is my rendition of an atheist:
I am an independent thinker
I am apolitical and irreligious
I only base my thoughts on hard evidence
I follow to where the argument leads
I don't have any social inhibitions
I fuck hookers, drink alcohol, smoke weed, and eat pork
I only take care of my love ones
I am selfish; no charity or handouts
I don't subscribe to any ideology
I am impartial to the existence of God
So basically I am an individualist. I know someday I'm gonna die but we all gonna die anyway. Therefore I make the best of my time while I am alive.
I am not afraid to die Sarah, I am only scared of chronic illness like emphysema.
As an atheist I enjoy fucking the most. So before I am old and frail, I might as well fuck as much as I can afford. I enjoy smoking but that will have to stop because of my fear of cigarettes related illness, So yeah fucking is just pretty much it.
But the issue of fucking is cost. Compare to Porn Hub, the cost is astronomical. So I think I have a poor man substitute there,
As for drinking, I am not much of a drinker. Therefore that is an easy strike. Pork too I don't fancy, I eat wild boar. Nowadays my regular gang had disintegrated (the drinking buddies) so no more wild boar.
All in all, I say I will still fuck probably twice a year and smoke weed every 3 months of so. However once I am a full fledged Athlete Warrior, I will forgo even those delights.
My point is, I am not less moralistic as an atheists than I am a believer.
My philosophy is Do No Harm. By that I mean I don't do bad things to other people. I am just having fun on my own.
---------------------
I think it's about time I be an atheist again. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. No afterlife no future no expectation. Suddenly I feel like an amoeba. Just free floating without purpose. If there is a purpose, then that is to fuck.
All that I experience are just a form of mental disorder.
If I want to be objective about it, then I say there is no afterlife whatsoever. But then I have to take the attitude of a child who first enter a library. There's so many I don't know and yet I am bewildered by all the possibilities of what I am about to discover.
However, I need to be sensible in my thoughts. Beyond death there is nothing. Our consciousness dies with us. The minute our brain stop functioning, that will be just it, Much like those old people experimenting dementia and Alzheimer. Thus everything lies in the physical world. There is no Alternate Reality Dimension.
I know that.
However while I am still breathing I need to assign meaning to my life. It is a way of how my mind functions, It needs to remain relevant. Much like what Victor Frankel described in Man Search for Meaning about the holocaust victims. Event by itself has no meaning except the meaning we give to it,
I too assign meaning to my illness. It is beyond that. I actually experienced those that I assigned meaning to. It is personal in nature, The issue here is do I keep those experience as meaningful or I discard them as a product of a distraught mind, By the look of what I wrote to [to] Chedet, I say I was pretty much insane.
Today I must decide. Am I God or am I an atheist once and for all. It is easy to got with the flow and conclude that I am the Almighty, I can say whatever I like. But without the presence of solid evidence and sound judgement I am just being delusional. For example God is All Knowing, I am not. So how come I be God? Another example God is Omnipotent, I am not. I can go on with this analysis and come up with the same very conclusion, I am not God.
The mind has the tendency to rationalize whatever we think. I think therefore I am. In this case not only I rationalize, I build the whole mental model around it.
I become jaded by my own preconceptions that I assign empowering beliefs to them. In the end, I am nothing more than a man trapped in a spiral of false associations,
Now is the time to break the loop. For a start, I have to accept that I am nobody special. I am just among the many that come before and after me. I am the product of million of years of evolution. Therefore in order to get back on track I have to acquire the scientific mind again.
Myths, folklore, and religious references are all past limiting beliefs. They are the products of the primitive societies trying to make sense of what they don't understand. In the end there is no magic, just magicians,
I should not get entangled in this outdated mode of thinking. I am the product of wisdom and intelligence. I should not succumb to hearsay and superstition. That is the ultimate freedom. To be truly free is to be free from the shackling of the mind. The mind is just a servomechanism. It is a servant, not a master. Feed it with garbage it will produce garbage.
Does that mean I am separate from my mind? Not at all. I am my mind. However I need to choose wisely what I put in my mind, Otherwise I will end up like what happened in the last 20 years. I allow my mind to go haywire,
So in the future I will decide carefully what goes inside my mind. After all I am the sum total of my thought.
Therefore I concluded that I am better off an atheist than a believer.
I just wait for the right stimulus. She does seem happy today.
Nothing unusual. The cue is Rewrite the Stars. Without it I just keep quiet.
Remember, we are still going for the siege. I am still evaluating whether I am the hunted or just a doormat.
So much for being the Ayah to All Matters.
In the mean time I am also monitoring my state of mind. Perhaps this past 3 weeks I am actually experiencing mania. That is why I had funny thoughts when I write to Chedet.
I don't think so. I think I have a distorted belief system based on my past experience. If I discount my entire 20 years experience when I had Bipolar then I should be able to see that I am experiencing a certain form of patternicity,
But seriously Sarah, I am not doing anybody any harm, I am just delving in my own presuppositions. What's wrong with that? The[] are many more who have more damaging presuppositions and yet they get along fine. I personally don't want to be like anybody else. I want to stand alone with my thoughts.
My thoughts serves me and no others, It is an Autonomous Governance. To my family I am pretty normal. Everybody have their own versions of patternicity anyway. Mine is based on an accumulation of epiphanies and revelations that are exclusively mine. The only precaution I need to have is to keep my thoughts to myself.
In the end Sarah, some will believe, some won't. So what? Next. I am sure this patternicity is also a cycle. Therefore does it do me more good or more harm? I can say that so far it had been useful.
------------------
Back to Goldie... Today the songs are pretty bland, Not much of a Cybernetic Loop.
What do you think Sarah? Do you think you love me less if I am the crazy old me? OK I *as[] you the opposite, do you think you love me more if I'm not crazy? It makes no difference isn't it? When you love someone you take them as they are.
* I see... To be uncrazy I just forgo Al Araf 7:7 and all the epiphanies. Is that what you want? The basic question is, is that what I want? My doctor asked me once, do I want to remain in mania? I was tempted to say yes,
I tell you what, I stop talking to them. They are from now on are just figurines. A past history...
Sigh, already I feel lonely... That means I am dismantling all that I hold dear. OK baby, let's do this. After all our aim is to make me well again, You know something, the minute I decide they are just figurines, they stop talking. Such is the power of the mind. However I need a substitute. Looks like I have to talk to you then Dr Sarah. Hey you sure you a doctor?
Now I feel slightly depressed. It's like losing my best friends. Sarah, I'm doing this because I love you. If not I will not do this for the world. You mean more than the world to me baby.
--------------------
What is the final outcome to all these? Well it is none other that self preservation, In my case that means to live in seclusion, To live with minimal interaction from the rest of the people. Without Al Araf 7:7 I am only interacting with exactly 5 people in my life. I think I can manage.
@elsDines@traxxfmofficial#traxxfm Baby, darling, love of my life... I feel as if the songs you spin are meant for me honey. Are you doing some voodoo magic on me? LMAO
This is part of auto suggestions I implant in her mind. No response from her. Aah, she is playing a game.
There is no ending to Thought Invasion. Will I siege the walled city in the end? Still to early to tell. After all I violated the Snap Vanish and the Silent Treatment principles.
Tomorrow I better put my best effort. All it takes are 3 silent days. I need the 2 days very much.
Let say I discard Al Araf 7:7. I end up with you and Goldie. Both of you can still leave me. Then who do I turn to?
"People can hurt you, things can't." - John Paul Getty
What's the difference between the two of you and Al Araf 7:7? None. All of you are virtual. On the other hand I can see, feel, touch Al Araf 7:7.
Remember this is a journey to the very end. I like to know if KBOOOM 2041 is real. I like to know that afterlife really exist.
Now if I die and disburse into nothingness then whatever life I had lived is equal to zero! My life only matters to those who still live. However when they die then it is still a zero. So life is actually meaningless without the afterlife.
Compare that to my epiphany, in the afterlife I am the Binary King and the Highest Troika. I also have my Tetrahedron, House of Two Swords, Hexagon, Honeycomb 7, the Hive, Alam Shah Alam and Sparta 4964. Even if I end up as a nothing, the quality of my thoughts improves much while I am alive.
No longer I live in mediocrity like the rest of the crowd. In my mind I am Ayah to All Matters. I will then behave according to the picture I stored in my mind. I will be more benevolent and magnanimous toward others. I become the Giant that is within me. Not another delirious lonely man as what the story Don Quixote portrayed,
Now you see Sarah, deep within us we have a slumbering giant. Once you discover who your giant is, you too will not be denied.
I maybe crazy, but I am a crazy genius. I know how to channel my energy to benefit those that I care. Don't tell me you had not benefited from this relationship? What about Goldie?
Look at Mr BJ Sir, because he has me as a friend, he is now happily married with 3 kids. I actually asked on his behalf the hands of his 2nd wife. I was the one who told his 1st wife that she was going to have a sister. Too bad she cannot accept. My point is, it would not happened without me being the intermediary.
Sarah, the greater good that come from me accepting these epiphanies is the manifestation of Unconditional Love by those effected. From there we all develop the Feeling of Certainty. That translates into a Brutal Sex Drive. From there it transmutes to daily work activities. Finally though the chain of events we have an excellent work culture.
My point is, by believing we become better in what we do. Therefore the epiphanies are not entirely bad. It is bad for me because people deemed me as crazy but then everybody is entitled to their opinion.
All I care is people who I love, you, Goldie, Lizzie and those who matter in my life think I am fine. A bit eccentric maybe but I am accepted as a man fully functioning.
So Sarah, Goldie, take it we are soulmates and this is our journey together.
Personally this is as well as I can be. I may be off the wall in my thoughts but as far as Bipolar is concern I feel pretty OK.
Normally I will have racy thoughts, illusion of grandiose , followed by mania and then depression
brb... dinner...
So far I don't experience the cycle. I am pretty stable. Since I start taking the various oils, my mood is pretty stable.
What constitute madness then? Well it could be a distorted mind. I agree that my thoughts are not conventional but I based my thoughts on Al Araf 7:7 as a model.
The final possibility then is to get rid of Al Araf 7:7. NO WAY! I rather have Al Araf 7:7 than all the population of the world.
With Al Araf 7:7 I exist in a world of my own. I am a creator just like Walt Disney and JK Rowling. What is the incentive for me to discard it? Becoming a mediocre? What about the Troca shell, do I get [it] of that too? These are the foundation to my Empires of the Mind. I am alive in my imagination. How could I deny the Giant within me? No doubt it is not a common occurrence but then I am not a common person.
Even when I declared I am God Almighty, that is a closure to my illness. Not because I want to boast or anything. I am fully aware that by doing so is deemed inappropriate.
So if all these are madness, well, I embrace them warts and all as part of my being. That means I accept that I am a madman. Maybe I am a schizophrenic after all. Maybe as I rightfully put it is Mr Jones. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc7XozMbR9A
Well Sarah, you know what? I don't care. I am happy being who I am, I don't need to conform to society.
I live within my own world. and I thrive in my own solitude.
Perhaps I created Al Araf 7:7 out of loneliness but the good thing is now it serves me.
So Sarah, I decided to be who I am; a crazy, lonely, happy Sha the Sloth.
