Pretty silly when I think about it. During the early days, I didn't even realize I was in mania. It is quite strange how the brain works.
It like in normal situation you drive 110 km/hour. Then along the way you decided to go slightly faster, let say 130 km/hour. Then without realizing, you are already doing 180! Whoa, scary feeling.
I did pretty crazy things while I was in mania. For example I bought a bottle of whiskey, fuck 2 Gayshas and then in the same afternoon called a girl I barely knew, asked her to come to a hotel and fucked her too.
At one time I went to this private property to check on a Chinese altar. Two guard dogs ran to me. Instead of turning away, I started whistling to them until they calmed down and I was able to pet on one. I mean, I will not do such thing in my normal set of mind.
Another time, I was at a traffic light. A man went by knocking from one car window to another. When he ca[n] to me, he asked for some money. I gave him RM10. He asked for a RM50. Guess what I gave him the 50! See? In mania [b]y judgement got effected.
I got conned because of unsound judgement too. In the property scam I told you I managed to get the title of one house I bought for RM60 k. Unfortunately I don't have the money to touch up the house, pay the outstanding bills and advertise it. So out of desperation I agreed to a 60:40 with sales agent provided he fork out the initial expenses that will be deducted from the sale anyway. Normally a sale agent make 2% from the sale. Me being stupid cannot even break even on a RM80 k sale.
I am always scared of the things I did during mania. At that time anything goes. Oh so many so many bad decisions I dare not name. Well 3 of them involved hundred of thousand in business deals and my overdraft facility. A few others involve making decision involving my personal savings. There are many leeches. I was an easy prey. [K]now you know why Lizzie don't want me to work. I am a high risk when comes to money.
Her concern is we will end up poorer if I am out there earning a living. I was good in finding money, it's just I am not good in keeping them. Further more, it[] not the same anymore. Nowadays I get nervous when I talk about money. I have a phobia that people will see right through me being Bipolar and everything. I too had lost the drive to make money. It's no longer an appeal to me because I no longer have the desire to meet people.
This mania thing can be controlled though, not by medication but by taking the right supplement. The combination of fish oil, MCT oil and Black Seed Oil helps. Either that or like pumping iron, my mind is now able to withstand the extra load. Whichever way, I think the mania is no longer there.
Stress is also a factor that leads me towards mania. Dope definitely a stimulant. I can tolerate 2 joints at a sitting. Beyond that I slipped into a pinhole and enter the world of psychosis. It's a happy world initially that turned ugly really fast.
When I was in my psychosis, I am more prone to patternicity. Everything makes sense even if it is nonsense. Gosh, it reminds me to NEVER smoke pot in excess again.
Ah yes pot. It is something I can shake off. I don't crave pot. I only smoke pot to have a delightful conversation with BJ. With other people it is a bore. Alone smoking pot is a time waster. It's just make me sleepy.
So pot is my link to BJ. I can get rid of pot, but how do I get rid of BJ? You know what I'm saying? Another positive approach is to run with him. That is the common motivator there. I can get rid of cannabis like I get rid of cunts. My problem is cigarettes. With cigarettes I need to remain active. I need to sweat more often. When I sweat I don't smoke. As easy as that.
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