First and foremost, I like to apologize for any discomfort caused by my behavior during mania. What can I say, I cannot control the illness. My issue is I cannot regulate the dopamine surge which caused the mania.
The fluctuation of the neurotransmitter still happens even though I am on a RM500/jab/month medication. The illness won't simply go away, With medication, the amplitude is not that extreme but that still does not make me normal. Prior to the medication, a high means psychosis and a low means suicidal thought. Now it is pretty sedated like the waves washing on the beach.
The mania can be triggered by many things. It could be lack of sleep, stress, anxiety, overexcited (like in our case), stimulants like alcohol, dope or as I just found out CIGARETTES! Even sugar rush is bad news. Think mania, think overproduction of dopamine. I was even admitted to the psychiatric ward after running a half marathon and 11 km hill run back to back.
It's a condition that I had been living for 20 years. A remedy is not straight forward but I think I nailed it. For the past one month I quit cigarettes and quit eating carbs by doing keto diet. The effect is like waking up from a bad dream. I finally able to relate to who I was before the illness.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I have issues with my neurotransmitter, I am not a malicious person. As a matter of fact I am a big fan of yours honey.
Will you forgive me?
Sine cera,
SJ
2/9/18
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