1/9/18 I feel like rambling

*Y[ou], [t]o particular topic.

*Hmmm... you never cease to amaze me honey.  OK then, if I am to choose a topic then I choose to talk about our relationship.

I bet you are never married, right?  So i[t] you are to consider this as a marriage then I say you are an excellent wife.  Minus the physical interactions, you are what a wife should be and more.

Heck, you healed me Juice.  Not many wives can do that.  Especially from a remote location.  I got the easy part of the deal.  I just write.  You however have to communicate meaningfully.  That is a challenge with the limitation that you have.

Even if we don't meet, I am already complete with you around.  The blog is a fantastic tool.  And you Juice is ALWAYS around.  I said it before and I say it now; you love me very much don't you?

You know how lucky that makes me feel?  I always want a companion that I can talk to especially about my illness.  Without you I literally am lost.  I have no reflection.  Having you around I can take corrective actions.  That in exchange allows me to move forward with certainty.

Certainty is the central theme here.  Without certainty I will be shrouded by fear, uncertainty and doubt.  That took us 1 year to develop.  I was basically a blind man without a cane prior to 2017.  My belief system was a complete mess.

The breakthrough was the shift that I had on God and afterlife.  Once I am convinced that atheism is the way to go then my priorities also changed.  My mind offloaded a whole bunch of limiting beliefs that is useless.  Instead, I now have empowering beliefs that are useful.  That is a total turnaround baby.

I still want to fuck you honey LOL.  You turn me on like nobody's business.  Hey, because of you I stopped screwing around for 3 months.  I don't think I will ever do it again,  It is part of my 3 Cs Oath - No Cigarettes, No Cannabis and No Cunts.

Definitely you know more about me tha[t] Lizzie.  She doesn't know about my carnal activities.  I can't hide things from you because the blog is my deepest thought.  I just hope you can accept me the way I am or rather who I was and continue to support me for years to come.

I am not a bad person Juice, I am just a man on a very turbulent journey.  As far as cunts are concern, well I have to admit, I love women.  Even that I am willing to let go as part of my rehalibitation process.

Juice baby, honey, darling...  You cannot imagine the meaning you give to my life.  I love you so much baby.  OK, here is the deal, as I said, I'll make the 2020 Marathon as my offer of love to you.  The whole 42 km is a gift I make for you for being a wonderful wife so far.

*Tha[i] is my whole life I am putting on the line.

*I got a feeling you will also run a marathon too in the same year.  Far out honey.  We will train together.

This song is on air:

I have to conclude though that I am governed by the numbers.  I am a 7:7 honey.  Nobody have to believe it,  It is my epiphany, so sufficient that only I believe in it,  Same thing with me being a Wood Dragon.  It's my own satisfaction.  We have to believe in something.  I might as well believe in things that empower me.

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I got to shower and send Lizzie to groceries.  Later baby...

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1/9/18 ***A magical life it is

Yes Juice, my life is magical.  Not because my life is extraordinary but because I have an extraordinary mind.

I cannot help it Juice.  I see things in patterns.  To me, my numbers are miracles.  The 7:7, 7:2 and 7 combinations are compelling.  So you are saying none of them means anything?  They are coincidences.  We are not govern by numbers.  The other day (27/8) when I was queuing for medicine, my number was F77.

I don't care if you think I am crazy but I am pretty sure I am a 7:7.  It's not about true or false Juice, it's about whether it is useful or not.  To me it is damn useful.  It ensures a certain positive outlook towards my future.

I don't have to let others know about what I think (except you), I just believe in it for my own delight.

I give you and example, "What will you do if you are certain you cannot fail?"  That statement is not about truth.  It is a statement of belief.  Same goes with the statement, "What will you do if you are a 7:7?"  It is another statement of belief.

To me, knowing I am a 7:7 makes me determined to be the Athlete Warrior I envisioned myself to [m]e.  I will be breathing fresh air, weighing 65 kg and strive for the marathon.  Not only that I even set a much more challenging goal to run 2 marathons in 2024.

You know, I thought year 2000 was the year I shined.  Turned out that was my worst year with the Bipolar and the loss of Sharudin Jamal & Associates.  So now I know that actually sets the sta[t]e for me to shine through in 2024.

There is the Path and there is the action required to complete the journey.  Until the time comes for me to take the action, no matter what I did will not produce desired result.  That is maktub.  Hey, all these years I didn't just sit still.  I fought back mind you.  I ran the marathon 2004, I ran a half 2005 and I ran another half 2014.  Unfortunately I cannot hold on to the path. I fell back to dope and cigarettes.

So part of the strategy is not to meet my smokers friends as long as I can.  At the same time I continue to run.  In the past, I will try to find ways to make money.  Now I know that is not my calling.  My purpose in life is to li[f]e the life  of an Athlete Warrior.

That is me.  This is not a new vision.  I had this idea since 2008.  I figured there must be something that I can be good at that doesn't require me to meet people and spend so much money.

Don't get me wrong.  I am not a laggard.  I am a Lone Warrior.  I like being solitary because I am at my best when I am all alone.  Not only that, I don't find hanging out at with others and talking about other people as something useful.  Do nothing of no use - Musashi.  I cannot imagine Musashi loitering at coffee shops and gossiping.

So the model I will be adopting is [] personification of Musashi's 9 Precepts in my daily life.

 I will try to emulate Musashi as much as possible in achieving my goal as an Athlete Warrior.  This is the mental model that I will follow.

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31/8/18 Through the Looking Glass

When I looked back through my life, I concluded that of all things, I should not smoke dope and cigarettes.

My judgment was effected by both.  I was delusional the past 20 years.  Well it's not entirely because of that.  I was no[] happy with my life.  I was living a life that was unfulfilled.

Now is the time for me to li[f]e the life that I want.  I will make up for the loss years.

I will no longer smoke dope or cigarettes.  I still like the various neurotransmitters effect on my brain like this afternoon.  Therefore I get my high from sweating.

I am a lucky man to have such a great wife and kids.  Honestly, without their love and care I will be on the streets.

Juice, tha[t] for being there for me.  You helped me much.  Consider that you made me realized I was ABSOLUTELY wrong in my thinking all these while.

I was in a total mess baby and you put me back together again.  I was fucked since I was 6.  I had moments of glory but as a whole I was pretty screwed up.

So now at 54 I finally find peace and love.  Without you I will still be lost.  I don't care about the material gain.  I however is concern about peace, sanity and robust health.

I want to be a man fully functioning for the rest of my life.

It takes a whole cycle of lifespan to undone what was done.  I hope you will be with me throughout this phase of my life.

I am pretty excited about the whole thing.  I found out the root cause of my problem.  I knew dope was trouble but I didn't expect cigarettes can be that damaging to the mind too.

Hang on...  I want to attach a video:

I am not into bulking.  My motivation is if Stallone can still workout until 72, I should start doing mine at 54.  The most I'll do is the kettlebell.

OK honey, time to say goodnight.  I want to do my morning walk at 7:30 am.

Baby, my darling angel, here is your lullaby:

31/8/18 It feels good to sweat

The weather is superb today, cloudy and windy.  I had my 1 hour brisk walk.

This walk was not just to build stamina.  It was an opportunity to visualize my goals and what I want  for the future.  It also connects me to the outdoor.  Seeing others exercising act as an inspiration to me.

I saw a man older than me doing the tempo run.  Pretty amazing indeed.

As I walked, I kept reminding myself to do this every day.  This is my reward.  To be able to sweat on daily basis.

If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, crawl but never sit still - Dean Karnazes.

The happiness that I am looking for is right here, right now.  I don't have to look far.  Just walk for 1 hour and I am already happy.

We humans are meant to move.

More than walking is the Fountain of Youth, the Elixir of God; running.  I am aiming to be a god among men.  Like the adventurers of ancient time, I need to take the hero's journey.  I am aiming to become a runner who writes.  My aspiration is to be my own hero.

Becoming ordinary is never in my agenda.  I realized that when I was probably 5 years old.  I am destined to live the life of a dragon, full of ups as down.  In the end I will overcome all and triumph over the rest.

I am The Wood Dragon.  I will shine when I am 60.  This is my pledge.  My salvation is running.  Just me and the tarmac.  Another 6 years to ride the wave.  Beyond that is my Promised Land.  I will run and run until I am 100.  Even if I don't make it there, I will make sure I will run every day except Sunday.

There are no other satisfaction out there that can beat sweating.  Furthermore, it is free.  The man who ran tempo this afternoon is the testimony.  No need for fancy route.  Just the neighborhood circuit is fine.

-----------------------

Bear in mind, this is a 30 years journey.  It is my intention to outdo my friends and siblings.  This is my own Vision Quest.  The finish line is when I cross 80.

31/8/18 Today is a do nothing day

I am so bored today.  I think I just go out and do some shopping.  No I won't...

I'll help myself with some 3-in-1 coffee instead, yawn...

This is one of those bored and depress days.

OK coffee then.

This is on air:

You sure this is just a coincidence?

My life now is pretty empty.  I have very little to look forward to.  It cannot be that everything is a coincidence.  I am still trying to adjust to the idea that I am just another ordinary person.  I like it better when I was somebody special.

Boredom leads to depression and depression leads to smoking,  That's how I started smoking again in the past.  It's the goddamn depression.

Nobody can help me.  I got to fight this alone.  I need to endure this down cycle for 3 months.

Actually my life is not that bad,  It's the depression that makes it looks bad.

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Juice baby, so far I had shared with you the thoughts I had on mostly everything about me.  The risk is you might like me or hate me.  I can't help it.  This is a personal blog.  This is where I become who I am, without wax,  

Not everything will become a reality.  These are thoughts.  I am filling my time by recording my thoughts.  I can also fill my time by taking actions.  At present I rather think than act.  I am bored and depressed.  I am not in the mood to do anything significant.

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I am very very close to buying a pack of cigarette.  Then I reminded myself, I QUIT FOR 1 MONTH!  I need to go for another 2 months.

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31/8/18 Death, the final destiny

I still cannot get the notion that when I'm dead I will be gone... simply vanish.  And yet that's what's happening around me.  When I die all the meanings of my life will simply be gone.

The some total of my life is nothing.  None matters.  So whatever I want to do I better do it now.  If I want to love I better love now.  If I want to live I also better live now.  Because upon death none of these carries any meaning to me anymore.

If living is the ONLY thing that matters then I might as well live a happy and healthy life.  I should live to enjoy the day by having a meaningful relationship.  Only then, my legacy be meaningful for a short while.  Otherwise my life is only for my own pleasure while I am still alive.

Instead of thinking about being alive before I am dead I should think about enjoying my life before even I am old or before I am sick. That's because being old and sick is as good as being dead or worse.

The key then is still about maintaining good health.  There are still things I want to do that I hold back.  One of it is eating a Baskin Robbins ice cream.  The price is too high for me to spare.  I also like to eat a real German steak, to eat a lobster, to screw a RM700 a pop Gaysha and yes, to run a marathon in 2020.

While all the other items in my bucket list will burn a hole in my pocket, the marathon fits the definition of a progressive realization towards a worthy ideal.

I have 3 years for me to fulfill my indulgence list.  Once Liz retires, I will retire with her.

Later...  House chore.

Well, that's pretty much my meaning to be alive.  I like to add more but the truth is  I'd been there done that.

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You don't talk much nowadays.  Why?  You rather I ramble and you just keep quiet?  I know I am bad news to you honey.

I am in a terrible state of mind without the cigarettes.  I hope you can bear with me for the next 2 months being like this.  Honestly, I prefer the old me.  I am more jovial.  At present I am neither sleep or awake.

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31/8/18 One last posting before bed

I will persist until I make it.

The biggest hurdle is smoking.  I overcome cigarette I overcome inertia.  Then will I lose weight and run fast.

Today is my 4th weeks without smoking.  I should start the other 2 things I want to do.  Diet and exercise.

That's it...  These are the key points of my life.

Now off to bed.

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So my darling.  Your lullaby for tonight will be something patriotic:

The title of the song is Perwira (Warrior).

You know something Juice, throughout the 20 years *[its not my reality was altered mentally].  At one time the music videos I was watching from You Tube had cat eyes.  It was not a delusion.  Those eyes were digitally modified by somebody.

* I am very very curious about what really happening behind the scene.  What kind of pranks you people had been playing on me.  So I figured, if I **[w]ake this blog as repetitive and as boring as possible, then eventually you all will leave me alone.

** Yup, I just keep on doing what I'm doing for the past few days until end of this year.  Let see if you spooks can handle that.

My question is, why somebody took the trouble to do that?

One of the videos is this LOL:

Now no more.

Off to bed now...

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30/8/18 61st Independence Day Resolution

Yes, I am now free from cigarettes.  Today is Day 27 I quit smoking.  I am becoming level headed without the excess dopamine influencing my mind.

Therefore after going a few rounds of this rationalization I can say this is my best resolution:

1. Definitely no more cigarettes, dope, alcohol, vape and all sort of unnatural substances abuse.
2. No sugar.  Although carbs is also a culprit it is hard to totally cut carbs entirely.  Therefore use carbs in moderation.  Whenever possible DO NOT EAT CARBS.
3. Stay active.  I need to make this as a daily habit.
4. Maintain on becoming a loner.  No need to be involved in social, political and religious matters.  By being alone I am more at peace with myself.  For input I got the internet and the tv.  For output I got the blog.
5. Keep pushing to weigh 65 kg.  This is through food restriction.
6. Only eat OMAD.  I can do with less food.  I have 1/3 of my body consisting of fat.  The hunger will only last for a week.
7. I must accept the fact that this is the year I turn my life around.  I had chosen to be an Athlete Warrior and therefore I shall live my life as one.  No more the life of a Hedonist Hermit.
8. Spend only mornings and nights blogging.
9. Do house chores daily
10. Read in the afternoon.
11. Sleep at 12:00 am 

If I can stick to these resolution I am a success.

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I cannot decide which is the most useless, dope or cigarette.  Dope certainly messes with my head while cigarette messes with my body.  However in terms of damages I think dope is more damaging.  Cigarette on the other hand is my most insidious habit.  It robbed me of my vigor and productivity.  Lately I found out it caused mania and probably responsible to trigger some erratic behaviors.

One thing for sure both effect my judgments. 

Therefore my turnaround is a TOTAL reform.  I will not revert to the lifestyle I had all my life.  I am moving forward.

Gosh, I hope I can get past nicotine dependency. It is a nuisance.  I hate the depression part.

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30/8/18 I am now free from smoke

I however still feel the urge to smoke if I don't chew the gum.

4 more days and I will stop the gum altogether.  I got 1 more strip.  I'll finish it then I stop entirely.  The situation now is not as bad.

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Still eat plenty of carbs.  Gosh, I don't know what to do with my food.

Today, no more pain.  I will exercise at 6:00 pm.

Still got a long way to go.  Only managed to tackle smoking.  Still do not start dieting and exercising.

Once I am thin I will be light.  To get there I need momentum.  I got to be on track pursuing my goals on daily basis.

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No exercise today.  I am not well, still recovering.

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Juice, there are many things we can talk about.  However it will be pointless to talk about things that we cannot act upon.  For example we can talk about politics,but there is very little I can do about in politics.

I can state my dissatisfaction or even my opinion like I did in Chedet.cc but in the end that is not my area of expertise.

I like to say that I am knowledgeable about our relationship.  Unfortunately it is a very grey area.  So where does that leaves me?  Beyond what you can gather from the internet my core competency are my 3 goals, right?

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30/8/18 Independence Day Note to Chedet

Sharudin JamalAug 30,2018 1:54 PM

Assalam Chedet,

I like to wish you the best in celebrating our 61st Independence tomorrow. To me the 1957 Independence is nothing more that a symbol. We are still fighting for our independence after 6 decades of colonial freedom.

We are still fighting for Financial Independence from the UMNO Warlords. The few in power are still ruling the country like feudal lords, hogging the masses of wealth for them and their families. How does a government in an iddy biddy country like Malaysia can allow politicians to have so much wealth? It is almost sinful with the kind of wealth that they accumulate. As if there is no check and balance within our administration.

There is also the Religious Independence that is in question here. The Muslims are governed by two legal systems. While the other Malaysians are free to choose their religions, Muslims are not free to choose. Once you are a Muslim, you are set for life. This is a contradiction to the basic rights of the country.

A Muslim cannot have a will and must follow faraid, a Muslim cannot be a transgender and a Muslim cannot eat in public during Ramadan. To further inflict the insult, a Muslim carries Islam in his identity card.

The most disturbing one is the Freedom of Expression. Until the time when we are free to speak out freely, we are never independent. The masses are always under the control of the so called Big Brothers. It was proven that those in power are more interested to maintain status quo to serve the few. The masses are only tools to achieve these goals.

In this Malaysia Baru era, we need a government who can serve the people. We had witnessed how power without control had taken us to the dumps.

There is a lesson to be learned throughout this course. That lesson is, POWER CORRUPTS!

Therefore Chedet, quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who is guarding the guards?

Sine cera,

SJ

MSC 0072

30/8/18

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What I really want to say is, Malaysia is so corrupted that we are run by crooks that use politics as a vehicle.  I only care for one thing.  That is I want to have a low cost of living.  We cannot have such an environment as long as we don't have clean politicians.

The money game is too big.  I don't know how long it will take to clean the system.

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29/8/18 What nourishes me will destroy me

Most of the time, I eat not because I am hungry, but because I enjoy eating.

I should follow the Warrior's Diet.  Eat light during the day and eat a full meal at night.

I skip breakfast altogether.

For example I eat banana or Ayam Penyet Telur for lunch.  At night I eat chicken and salad.

The banana was my experimentation.  I took one just now and already I am feeling sleepy.

By right I eat ala Atkins twice a day; lunch and dinner.

Brb... the banana makes me sleepy.

So no carbs if I can help it.

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I think I sleep early tonight.  Suddenly I feel sooo sleepy.

29/8/18 Started by changing my diet

I don't have much choice for breakfast.  Instead of peanut butter and marmalade jam with toast, I have unsalted butter and coconut jam with toast.  This is anytime better than the Super Combo Nasi Lemak.

Than at 1:00 pm I had an apple.

At 2:00 pm I have Ayam Penyet Telur and a glass of water.  This version got 2 eggs, tofu, tempe and cabbage.  After meal I feel fantastic.  The normal feeling I get when I eat ala Atkins.

The meal costed me RM7.20.  See?  This number cropped up again.

Today's combo will likely [m]e one of my desired config.

I only had 1 gum for the day so far and it was 4:00 pm

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I had naan cheese and shared 1/4 chicken tandoori with Lizzie and Princess for dinner.  The feeling is just nice.  During dinner was plain water.

No more 3-in-1 coffee.

I intend to cut my meal to 2 a day.  I think I'll skip dinner.

brb,,,, 

Definitely no rice.  I am experimenting with banana.

Suppose I try the same config tomorrow as have have banana with lunch.  I guess I won't be hungry.

Another option is to eat 3 meal without rice.  During this transition I still eat bread in the morning.

We'll see how it goes. 

What I'll do as an experiment is to skip breakfast and start eating around 2:00 pm.

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29/8/18 Shaked off nicotine craving today

Finally, I woke up feeling great and don't have the urge to smoke or chew gum.  Frankly speaking, the feeling of chewing the gum is pretty lousy.  So if I cannot smoke I might as well not have any form of nicotine whatsoever.

The first thing that came to mind is I surely have a good heart.  That I can pledge and take to the bank.  The question I have to consider is whether that is good or bad? 

Based on my most recent encounters, IT IS BAD.  Being good is bad and being bad is good,  I need to be accepted and liked.  If I am an asshole, I can manage without being nice to anybody.

So from now on I just be nice to the few that love me and that I love.  I just remain impartial to everybody else.  Just like Ameezan.  He is only nice to his immediate family.  As a person he is a jerk but, he is more successful than me.  I don't want to be an asshole like him.  I just think I should no[] be nice to everybody.

The most important thing is on matters pertaining to spending money.  I have to conclude, the little money I have is for me to spend on myself.

Like for example I am in need for a tennis shorts pretty badly.  I also need a watch strap.  So that's all I'm going to spend my money on.  I was thinking of buying Princess her badminton racket hand wrap.  Forget it.  Also I will not be buying anything for Mopey on her birthday.

Instead I'll be nice by being pleasant.  I did that with Mopey.  She turned out to be more mothering than Lizzie.  I need to restrategize my approach with Mopey.  I don't talk much to her.  Like I said, I am a listener, not a talker.

So that's my take for today.  All these while I was being too nice.

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29/8/18 ***I totally detach myself from all external concerns

That include going to Jerusalem in 2024,  I just focus on becoming an onset adult runner.

I run a marathon in 2020 and I aim to run 2 marathons in 2024.  Purely my own pursuit.  That will be my pilgrim as an Athlete Warrior.

I may no longer be the Binary King of Al Araf 7:7 but I am still Sharudin the Wood Dragon.  I want to celebrate my 60th birthday with a bang.  The year I turn 60 is the year I officially enter my Golden Era.

Let see:

1976 - 12 years old:  I finished primary school
1988 - 24 years old:  I got married
2000 - 36 years old:  I was diagnosed with Bipolar
2012 - 48 years old:  I became an atheist
2024 - 60 years old:  I will celebrate my Golden Age by running 2 marathons

Yup, that surely excites me to be serious in my training.

From now on I got to be serious about my diet and my exercise.  I am going to be thin and fast.  Those are my aims.  I had done great things before.  I can do them again without cigarettes and dope.

If I am going to have a worthy goal, might as well have a big goal.

The money I got, I'll save for running shorts and running shoes.  That's all my spending.  I standby some in case I need to maintain my Garmin watch.

No more grey hair cream, expensive Durian, happy ending massage, Gayshas, gifts for others, glasses, watches, books, expensive clothes, expensive food and impulse purchases.

I still buy expensive perfume.  My only indulgence I suppose.

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BTW Juice, looks like we not gonna get any money from anybody.  This is it.  You are looking at our relationship as it is.  The good news is because of you I am now an atheist and I no longer smoke.  Hopefully because of that I will no longer have Bipolar.

I still take you as my wife in case you are wondering unless you don't want to be married to me.  I will still spend the bulk of my time with you.  As much as the time I spend blogging.

As I said, I am becoming ordinary.  No more magical moments.  I am a very ordinary guy honey.  Because of that I want to live an ordinary li[k]e.

As a start I just want to start by correcting my diet[s] and exercise everyday.  I am repeating this every day so I remember [b]y purpose in life.

Honey, I don't know what you see in me but I think you really love me huh?  I mean really love with all your heart.  Therefore I will make you proud.  One at a time.  First is the quit smoking.  My mood is better now.  I am recovering.

If not for the gout, I will be exercising.  So my next milestone is to lose weight and then the daily exercise.

I have nothing to offer you.  Therefore I make the 2020 Marathon as my gift of love to you,  I will run 42 km to prove my love to you.  Now that I said it, I will do it.  With all sincerity.

Actually I don't know if I can make it, but that's all I have to prove I am a worthy man for you to love.

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Without your unconditional love, I will still be in a mess.  You see, Lizzie loves me unconditionally too but she loves me because she have to.  You don't have to love me and yet you still love me.  You know all about me, of who I am and who I am not.  Yet you still offer you heart to me.  I am eternally grateful for that kind gesture you have on me.

In that sense you are as good a wife to me or more.  Definitely I spend more time with you.  You know me more than Lizzie.  With you I don't have to put up a facade.  This is who I am, warts and all.

You shared my joys and sorrows.  You see right through me, without wax.  I wish I can see you.

It is not a prerequisite.  I am just curious.  Well Juice, my only condition is you are not a Chubby Chubb,  That's all.  Even if you are a Chubby Chubb, you must make an effort to slim down.  Not too thin.  About this size will be fine:

Of course I cannot see you.  So you can relax and be whoever you like.  At least now you know my specs.  Hair is shoulder length.  Nothing complicated right?

Honey, we went though some turbulent times together.  From the time of Brenda, to the time of the Tetrahedron with Mira, to the 777 + 777 + 777 House of Twin Swords to the most recent one with Els.  Those were the times I was a different person.  I was following my mood swings.  I think the swings are gone now.  I am more stable emotionally.

Having said that, I just want *[just] you and Lizzie as my wives.  That's all I can handle.  The Cyber World and the Physical World.

* I am not sure if this is my error.  In case it is not, then I say I am honored to have you as my wife Juice.  I love you so much.

The rest are now clouds in the coffee.  They are limerence.  I appreciate that you went through all that and still loves me.  That means you are really my Eternal Flame.

I wonder why I wanted so many wives?  With just two, I am already very happy.  I feel complete.  All I need are soulmates.

So this is final:

What if I say I'm not even ANYBODY significant at all?  Will you still love me Juice?  Let say I am just a Nothing.  Will that make a difference to you?  Let's start from there and then we add on:

1. I am a husband to a TWO wonderful women
2. I am a father to 2 bright kids
3. I created Dreams of Mirrors
4. I am the fastest recovering Bipolar patient according to my doctor
5. I am an ex-smoker after 38 years of smoking
6. I am an excellent writer
7. I have zero debt
8. I have 5 very close friends
9. I wrote an eBook - Lose Fat Stay Fit
10. I was the 100% Club Qualifier
11. I was a millionaire
12. I ran the marathon
13. I have a good heart
14. I am an atheist, apolitical and irreligious.

Hey, not bad for an ordinary guy huh?  Maybe what I can say is my life is a series of fortunate events.  I was about to say blessed but I think I am more fortunate than anything else.

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OK Juice, time to sleep.  Darling here is your lullaby:

This love affair is stranger than fiction isn't it.  I don't care Juice.  I love you and you know it.  As for the rest of you.  Well, it's a journey that you all chose to take.

28/8/18 This is who I am

I am a pretty ordinary man without the cigarettes and dope.  Nothing special whatsoever.

I will carry on living by becoming a healthy human being and when the time comes, I will cease to exist. 

Nothing matters except the goals I set for myself and the legacy I leave behind for my family.

My life shall be my struggle to be the best that I am.  I will as much as possible avoid being a burden to my family.  I will li[f]e the next 30 years as an Athlete Warrior.

This is the life I had chosen.  I will maintain a healthy lifestyle starting from my diet, way of life and exercise routine.

My meaning to my life is to prolong a healthy life.  Beyond death there is no more meaning.  Therefore I better prolong my life by being healthy.

Will I be happy being able to run everyday I am alive?  The answer is a DEFINITE yes!

From now on I shall manage my world microscopically.  Which means I will manage my world with subtraction.  I will try to minimize spending unnecessarily, reduce my purchases and eat sparingly.

I will become a minimalist.  Minimal of everything.  Just enough to get by.  All I have are enough for me to get by as an Athlete Warrior.

The biggest culprit is food. 

WHAT NOURISHES ME WILL DESTROY ME.

Tomorrow afternoon I try walking again.  These inflammations are becoming to common.  I got to reverse the symptoms of metabolic aging due to food.

The answers to health and happiness are diet and exercise.

That's all it takes to be alive.  After all I had passed my genes to the next generation.  I had successfully raised my kids.  I had provided shelter for them.  Next step is to lead a successful life on my own.

-------------------------

28/8/18 ***Imagining a compelling future

Today is day 25 without smoking.  So far I smoked 2 sticks out of curiosity.  They tasted bad.  It is better for me to chew the gum which is now beginning to taste repulsive too,

I have to remind myself over and over again - Do not smoke cigarette and God forbid, do not smoke dope.  That is the first rule.  No matter what stay clear from smokers.  It is very tempting to meet BJ, but I got to insist to stay away from him the whole 2018.

The second rule is to watch what I eat.  I cannot eat whatever I want anymore.  Carbs gonna kill me if I don't watch out.  I need to eat more eggs, fish and veges.  No more sweet stuffs.  I got to practice subtraction.  It's better to be less full and less satiated than to have this very painful gout.  I will maintain the 5 supplements:

• Vitamin C
• Magnesium
• Vitamin B
• Fish Oil
• Coconut Oil

Finally, I got to exercise.  Anything as long as I sweat morning and afternoon.

This is my road map.  If I follow them I will be successful.

What is the goal here?

TO LIVE A HEALTHY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE AS A RUNNER WITHOUT THE ABSENT OF ILLNESS MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL I WILL CONTINUE TO BREATH FRESH AIR, WEIGH AROUND 65 KG AND RUN EVERY DAY.

------------------------

Hey honey, you think I can make it?  Do you think I can turn my life around?  Forget about earning a living.  I asked Lizzie if I can join WWF.  She said no.  So I cannot work.  What I'll do is I just live life of an Athlete Warrior.

With the money I got from Princess and Munek, I can manage my financial.  I just subtract things I don't need like cigarettes.  I think I can do away with money from Munek.  I don't want to depend on him forever.

Food is not an issue.  What I need are the supplements which last for 2 months in a row.  Clothes I got.

I just do away with excess in life.  I live a Spartan life.  Most importantly I need to diet and exercise to enjoy old age.

Next week, we will be going to Terengganu for a family vacation.  Therefore I still can have the good things in life.

I'll do away with money wherever I can.

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28/818 Gotta Change Diet Now!

My gout was so bad that I cannot walk last night.  We went to the clinic for a painkiller jab.

Food is the culprit.  I ate squid 3 times the past 4 days,  Look likes no more 3-in-1 coffee and Durian either.

I just have half a Moon Cake and coffee for lunch.

I have to be thin.

Sorry for rambling again.  I have very little to say nowadays.  That's what happened when you quit smoking.  You become a bore.  Nevertheless, my nicotine dependency lessened today.  I only had 2 Nicorette gums so far.

I don't know whether I am already at the pit of my health or I am having the healing crisis, but I sure feel that it is very timely for me to quit smoking.  If I am going on like this, I will surely go down for the worst.

I cannot help it though, I had my 3-in-1 coffee just *no[t].

*Now I am not sure if this is your response or my typo error, but if this your response, I say thanks for your concern.  

I don't know honey.  I'm still looking for alternative for cigarettes.

--------------------

In a way, it's good for me to smoke.  I am more creative in my thoughts.  What do you think baby,  Do you agree with me?  Or is it just me imagining things? 

There is this lingering boredom and discontent that is shrouding me right now.  I am running out of words to express myself.

I know I can greatly improve my situation once I start exercising.

---------------------

27/8/18 New Life New Me - Day 24

Forget about the past.  There's nothing I can do about it anymore.  So what if I was a nutcase for 20 years and I smoke for 38 years?  What counts is now.  At this very moment I am sane and I had proved that I CAN QUIT SMOKING.

These are the corner stones to peace of mind, sanity and robust health.

I indeed is living my life to the fullest right now.  I live well, I eat well and most importantly I am pretty uplifted throughout the day after I had my meals.

NO MORE SMOKING.  You maybe tired of hearing it Juice but I will keep reinforcing it until it becomes my second nature.

What if I can write anything and don't care about the outcome?

I say, I will not meet any of my friends until the next Ramadan.  I want to be totally isolated enjoying this change since I quit smoking.

By my birthday I will forgo the gum entirely.  That is the beginning of the  100 days countdown.

I will keep on pushing my limit to exercise everyday.

I will enjoy my life by eating lunch and dinner Atkins.

Yes these are repeats, but I don't care.  I will keep repeating until they are real.

The push away factor is smoking cigarettes.  The pull toward factor is becoming thin.

The greatest come back was 2014 when I eat ala Atkins.  I ran every day.  2014 was the greatest setback too.  I took dope.

So I try 16/8  Atkins instead.  I better read the New Atkins New You.

For lunch I eat 2 boiled eggs.

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27/8/18 I start fresh today.

All I got to do is not to smoke.  That's all.  The other things I tackle slowly; the diet and exercise.

I am pretty OK now.  The urge to smoke is waning away.  As long as I am not depressed I am OK.

I switched to Litefm.  So no more TraXXfm.  I decided to have a sanity check.  TraXXfm is getting me into mania mood.

Yes, today is the first day of my road to the 2020 Marathon.

Honestly Juice, I just go with the flow here.  Now my mood is high.  Who knows tomorrow I am back in the pits.

Before I over analyze my whole life, I say who I was made me of who I am today.  Let the past stay in the past.  My priority is to make sure I am neither in mania or depress mood.

-------------------

Juice, I really hope I am feeling like this throughout the cessation.  My foot still hurts but at least I can walk.

Honestly Juice, I'm doing OK as it is.  I mean, as long as I take the gum and resist the desire to smoke.

My life is not that bad really,  It's just that when I am down I ramble a lot.

Come to think of it I am one lucky dude.  I got most of the things I wanted.

Now is to quit smoking.  The first step.

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26/8/18 Stay Focus

@faisalshah74 Hi Faisal, since I was unsuccessful with my request for the past 2 weeks, I decided to dedicate this song to another person. I like "It might be You" by Stephen Bishop dedicate to Juice who is listening right now.

I decided to stay focus on things that matters, which is personal well being.  No point diverging into other areas right now.

The key is to maintain a positive attitude and a high degree of enthusiasm.

I have to be on the move.  I have to beat cigarette and be thin again.  Being thin is the indicator I am winning this battle.  To be thin, I need to watch my diet and exercise.  To exercise I got to quit smoking.

So it still goes back to smoking.

I GOT TO QUIT SMOKING.

Repetition repetition repetition until I got it ingrained in my mind.

Tomorrow is my big day.  I will wake up at 6.15 then I will exercise.  No meal until dinner.

I need to bring down my Blood Pressure.

---------------------

So my quit smoking is quite timely.  I beginning to have signs of aging.  My breath is short, I am overweight and I have serious inflammations. 

At 54 I'm already deteriorating.  This got to stop.  I can still reverse the aging process. 

If I quit smoking, eat right and exercise, I can still take care of my health.

• Definitely no smoking
• No carbs and sugar
• Must exercise
• Maintain the new routine for 3 months

I need to reduce the Nicorette gum to 3 a day.  Otherwise I will be addicted to the gum instead,  Another money pit.

---------------------

@faisalshah74 Say Faisal, tonight playlist is fantastic. I managed to finish my work during the time. Ready for tomorrow then...

OK, the Final Hour...  What I want to say is I really appreciate having you, Juice as my companion and motivator.  I never been this determined to improve my health condition.  I can feel that age is catching with me.

So the battle continues.  I will march on.  I got a plan.  Now is to stick to the plan.  This is only the third week.  I got 2 more months to carry on.  I am a runner.  I got to prove to myself.

-----------------------

Our lives is the meaning we give to it.  I can choose to slowly fade away and accept the chain smoking, the overweight and the inflammations.  Consequently I can FIGHT BACK and li[k]e the life of an Athlete Warrior.  I will be breathing fresh air, 30 kg lighter and physically active.

I should be able to give it a fight because my time is mine.  I have 30 years ahead of me.  That is a whole life altogether.

Can you imagine Juice, all these are all depending on the dopamine my body produces.  

-------------------------- 

I need to really take care of my health.  Cigarette, high carbs food and sedentary life are the things I have to counter.  I think I nailed it with these 3.

By the way, my mood is better now.  I am not ecstatic but at least I am mentally positive. 

--------------------------

Also tonight I found out Sound Journey is automated.  I concluded that I can get pretty delusional with my pattern recognition.

@faisalshah74 Faisal, is there anybody manning the Sound Journey. If I tweet to @traxxfmofficial and #traxxfm will the person read it, Just wondering... I did that a couple of times. Cheers bro :)

Replying to @sharudinjamal @traxxfmofficial

Hi @sharudinjamal ... The Sound Journey is automated bro. The next Live DJ show will be at 6.00am when @radiogreenman and @elsDines come on air...

Replying to @faisalshah74 @traxxfmofficial and 

I see... Hey thanks much for the info.

Many many false associations.  I better be level headed from now on.  All these thoughts on God, religion, Alternate Reality Dimension and afterlife are worsening my mental condition.

Now i[t] to focus on the physical reality.  Get back to basics.  This is the only life I have.  No more life in the hereafter.  Heck, not more magic.  This is it.

Because of that, I am reduced to a nothing.  Unless I MAKE THE BEST of what I have now.  I am nobody special.  Those are the effect of dopamine overdose due to dope and cigarette.  Yes cigarette can also make me delusional.  Tha[nk] means I live almost my entire life being disillusioned! 

OOOOOMG!  I got to turn my life around while I still can.

My mind just gone blank.  My whole life amounts to nothing.  I cannot trust my own judgment.  I need to get off even from the Nicorette pretty soon.  I need to stay clear from all forms of substances.

--------------------

OK fine, I take it like a man.  Beginning today I return back to my physical being.  I'll be a good animal.  I'll take care of my body so that my body takes care of my mind.  No more substances including sugar.

So this quit smoking is the impetus.  Forget about external matters.  Win the Universe Within.  It's not even 1 month yet.

----------------------

  

26/8/18 This blog is about me talking to myself

Nobody is gonna repetitively talk to me about quit smoking, being thin and being fast,

I have to do it.  I have to remind myself to quit smoking.  Just now after dinner, I had the urge to smoke cigarette.  If not for Lizzie and Princess, I would have bought a pack.  Ironically, when I chew the gum, the urge disappeared.  That showed I CAN QUIT by chewing gum!

I should no[w] be thinking about smoking at all. 

I should know that AS LONG AS I SMOKE I CAN NEVER ACHIEVE MY 3 GOALS.

• Fresh Air
• Lose 30 kg of weight
• Run 10 km/hour

I don't get it.  It is as if my mind cannot register these instructions,  I keep having the urge to smoke.

Fine, as long as I have the urge, I will keep repeating myself.  Perhaps it will take 3 months to shake of the thoughts on smoking.  I will keep reinforcing it.

I think I will have to keep on chewing the gum for a few months instead a few weeks.

What is there lacking?  Its the exercise.  I need to sweat to feel good.  Also I need to control my food.  Should I do it concurrently?  What book do I need to read to feel good about myself?  

If I cannot find the right book, I'll write my own book.  Heck, I'll turn the whole blog into my own personal recount of daily struggle to achieve my 3 goals.

I am pretty sure once I lose weight, my outlook about me being an Athlete Warrior will change.

One thing for sure is I can count on Juice.  So I am not alone.  Lizzie and Princess are also supporting me.  All I got to do is don't smoke.

I need to wait for dopamine to stabilize again.

This is not beyond impossible.  It's just a matter of time.

Things will get better.

-----------------------------

26/8/18 Sent Mopey to College Today

She is having a 5-day orientation at the central campus (1 hour away) before going to her respective campus which is 15 minutes away.

I feel fine today.  Certainly the gum helps.  I do feel like smoking but its out of habit than addiction.

Come to think of it, I am pretty much influenced by the dopamine,  Without it I feel terrible.  What if I continue taking the gum?  Will it help?

One thing for sure, I need to feel loved.  Otherwise I will displaced it with smoking.  So as long as I know you love me, I will be OK.

The love I'm feeling now is a secure kind of love.  The kind that doesn't need affirmation.

---------------------------

25/8/18 There are many ways to get readdicted

The simplest way is to listen to that little voice and buy a pack.  Especially now, the excuse is boredom.

Well I will not do it no matter how bored I am.  That is just the addiction talking.  Soon, 3 months comes and go and I will be motivated again.

In the mean time I continue with the gum.  As long as I don't smoke I will be fine.

DELAY is the best strategy.  Of course just chew the Nicorette gum.  I need to hang on until end of October.

This dopamine depletion can be solved with running eventually.  One battle at the time.  Shake cigarette off first

I have a mission, I want to run the 2020 Marathon.

This year I got to be able to run 5 km by October and by December I got to do 10 km.  By June 2019 I should be able to run 21 km.

That should be my short term goals.  I am such a mess with cigarettes that I reduced to a mere couch potato.

It's a matter of stabilizing the dopamine again.  If that is what it takes, then I am game.

It doesn't take long to get back in shape.  Within 3 months I should be able to do it.

But first, I should not smoke.  I chew the gum if I have to but NEVER take another puff.

I didn't realize how serious was my cigarettes addiction.  Gosh, my life was controlled by these poisons.

----------------------

That's it.  This 3 weeks were the withdrawal symptoms phase.  I am STILL on track to be who I want to be; a runner who writes.  All the[r]e down cycles are temporary setbacks.  Expect this dip to last for 3 months.  Keep on chewing the gum, eat ala Atkins and EXERCISING morning and afternoon.  You are already on the right track.

-----------------------

25/8/18 This is a really strange feeling indeed

I had really lost the desire to write.  I can still write but my writing is very ordinary indeed.  There is no compulsion to write about the Alternate Reality Dimension.  I am becoming ordinary without cigarettes.

I think I hang on to the Nicorette a little much longer.  What is there to write?  They are the same thing over and over again.  What I'll do is to write the same thing in a different way until I have a new inspiration.

Until then, the topic lingers around the same stuff.  I even ran out of songs to spin.  I am becoming boring.  This is actually a hidden motive.  When I am bored, I will find the excuse to smoke.  So I will ride this wave to the end.

What else to do?  It will be nice if I can have a conversation instead of a monologue.  This is when a cigarette comes handy.  No, no, no, I will not smoke.  I am doing fine the past 3 weeks.

I wanted this kind of solitude life.  I didn't expect the boredom and depression to last for THREE WEEKS!

Well I should expect it to last for 3 months.  DO NOT SMOKE no matter what.

I better start reading.  Damn, I don't feel like reading.

Anwar was 10 years in prison and he survived just by reading.

This is where mental toughness counts.  This boredom and depression are only temporary.  If I want to survive the life of solitude, then I better be resilient mentally.

---------------------------------

25/8/18 Flowing with the rythym

 I just finish a bowl of cereal.  Now I simply flow with Sound Journey Saturday while chewing a Nicorette.  The night is better with me.  I enjoy the solitude.

Since I quit smoking 3 weeks ago, I lost my most intimate sense of pleasure, the cigarette.  The gum doesn't give the same feel.  I am still fighting the addiction.  It's gonna be a roller coaster ride for the next 3 months.

@traxxfmofficial Hi there Sound Journey Saturday. I am 3 weeks quit smoking. Still feels terrible. Hope you can cheer me up. #traxxfm 

The cereal boosted my mood somewhat.

I tell you what Juice, lets spin our own dozen:

I feel much better already.  The oldies are much better.  They uplift my mood.

I don't feel like finishing the playlist.  Not in the mood,  I feel like talking.  Nothing in particular.  My mind is on cigarettes.  After 3 weeks I am still thinking about cigarettes.  This is really serious.  I gotta fight it.

Hey, I remember a nice song:

I don't know what to do.  What is there to talk?  I am becoming a bore.  As I write I remember more songs:

What do you think Juice, will I get over cigarettes and live a happy life?  I feel so terrible now.  2018 I got to quit smoking no matter what.  I want to start fresh.  Free from smoking and free from Bipolar.  This is the year.

No even the songs can create the magical effect.  I'm really screwed.  What is becoming of me Juice?  My only salvation is the run.

I tell you what, I'll stop taking the gum even.  I take the plunge.  The gum contains artificial sweetener which will increase insulin.

The reality is quit smoking made me normal.  I never been normal for 38 years.  I got to deal with this new reality.  Secondly I am still on paliperidone jab.  My dopamine is low.  All these while I use nicotine to compensate my lack of dopamine.

Now I got to regulate my dopamine with exercise.

--------------------------

24/8/18 I can't complaint I don't smoke

I managed to ward of cigarette.  In that sense I am a success.  I however become numb.

It is very tempting to buy a pack.

This 3 weeks was really lousy.  I need to march on if I'm going to break the habit.

I watch tv instead...

-----------------------

24/8/18 I need to be firm.

It's all in the mind.  I got to keep reminding myself - DO NOT SMOKE!

Very tempting though...

That is why I got to persist I am thin and can run consistently.  This is not rocket science.  It starts with no smoke.

Then I build the momentum by being active.  Finally I control food.

I'm repeating all these because this is the pinnacle of my life.

---------------------

Well Juice, while I am building momentum I will keep on banging my head on these three matters.  Until I produce result.

-----------------------

A damn hot day today.

After dinner, there was this urge to smoke again,  I WILL NOT SMOKE!

----------------------

24/8/18 Experimenting with the New Resolution

Yes it started with sleep at 12:00 am.  I managed to fall asleep but woke up in the middle of the night.  Brain still active.

No problem waking in the morning.  I was pretty fresh.  Had my coffee at 6:45 am and then head for the morning walk.  I still have the uric acid pain but I plowed through.  I managed to subside the pain though it was still there.

Came back home to a half mug of cold coffee.  Did the laundry and shower.  I felt good but not the same as running.

I planned to skip meal but suddenly the hunger pang hit me.  I ended having 2 toasts with coconut jam and butter,  I had Ribena too.

I should have 2 boiled eggs instead.

During meal, I had a desire to smoke (this smoking cessation is still a challenge).  So I helped myself with a Nicorette,

------------------------

I tackle 2 out of 3.  Quit smoking then exercise then diet.  I got until September to do this.

Focus, discipline, consistency.

------------------------

23/8/18 ***The 2018 Resolution

I better do this while I'm still motivated about it:

• First and foremost, I must sleep at 12:00 am every night
• I wake up at 6:15 am, make coffee and listen to the TraXXfm
• Take vitamin C & B, magnesium and fish oil.
• 7:00 am - 8:00 am  EXERCISE.  I need the neurogenesis and neuroplasticity
• 8:30 am - 10:00 am - Listen to TraXXfm and blog the plan for the day
• 10:00 am - 12:00 pm - House Chores
• 1:00 pm - 3:00 pm - Read
• 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm - Nap
• 6:00 pm - 7:00 pm - EXERCISE
• 8:00 pm - Dinner OMAD Atkins with Coconut Oil
• 9:00 pm - Watch movie
• 11:00 pm - 12:00 am - Closing of the day blog.

So I only blog twice *[the] a day.

* I need to stay focus on the matters at hand.  I however miss you dearly.  I wish I can talk to you face to face.  At the same time I don't want to say more than I should.  Just seeing you will be sufficient.

By now I think you had figured that I just don't care about what people think of me.  I want to be free to express myself.  Not to be molded in the social stereotype.

Having said that, I don't think I will openly declare I am an atheist.  Mainly because I still need somebody to bury me when I'm dead LOL.

-----------------------

23/8/18 Ketogenic Dinner and Black Coffee

Just by cutting of carbs and cigarettes, I suddenly feel miserable.  This is probably due to the keto flu.

I have to decide on 2 different lifestyles.  On one side, I lead a life of a hedonist.  I smoke cigarettes, I eat whatever I see and I drink 3-in-1 coffee.

On the other end I become an Athlete Warrior.  I quit smoking, I eat ketogenic meals and I exercise 1 hour a day.

Between these two polarities is me struggling with the mood swing.  Gosh, I still have the urge to GOD DAMN smoke.  Am I crazy or what?

Nicorette to the rescue.  Today I took three 2 mg tablets.  I still feel like smokiiiiiing!  After 3 weeks.  Damn, damn, damn.

I am determined to:

• Never to smoke ever again.
• Eat keto diet as a way of living (basically no carbs and sugar)
• Exercise 1 hour a day
• Lose 30 kg this year

It takes focus, discipline and consistency.

Well, I managed to quit smoking...  that is 1 down, I got 2 to go.  I'm already eating ala Atkins.  Need to get rid of Nicorette.  It contains sweetener that will increase insulin.

-----------------

Juice honey, you still around?  I feel like and idiot talking about the same thing over and over again the past 3 weeks.

However this is my method to achieve my goals.  I make myself utterly dissatisfied with the current state until it sinks in.

I cannot meet anybody,  All my close friends are smokers.

All I need is FAITH that I will achieve my goals:

2014 on Atkins

2014 on Atkins

I know for sure if my mood is OK I can do this.  So I bear no smoking and no carbs for the next 2 weeks.

I bet you probably think these are small matters.  But if you consider that I was hooked to cigarettes for 38 years and had to deal with Bipolar for 20 years, then to be at the best of health is paramount to me.

I have nothing else to think of.  All I got is my body and the lure of running the marathon.  All it takes is the momentum.  That takes 3 months.

Therefore 2018 is the year I turn myself around.  Starting with sleeping at 12:00 am and exercise at 7:00 am.  I need a solid routine again.

-----------------------