I still cannot get the notion that when I'm dead I will be gone... simply vanish. And yet that's what's happening around me. When I die all the meanings of my life will simply be gone.
The some total of my life is nothing. None matters. So whatever I want to do I better do it now. If I want to love I better love now. If I want to live I also better live now. Because upon death none of these carries any meaning to me anymore.
If living is the ONLY thing that matters then I might as well live a happy and healthy life. I should live to enjoy the day by having a meaningful relationship. Only then, my legacy be meaningful for a short while. Otherwise my life is only for my own pleasure while I am still alive.
Instead of thinking about being alive before I am dead I should think about enjoying my life before even I am old or before I am sick. That's because being old and sick is as good as being dead or worse.
The key then is still about maintaining good health. There are still things I want to do that I hold back. One of it is eating a Baskin Robbins ice cream. The price is too high for me to spare. I also like to eat a real German steak, to eat a lobster, to screw a RM700 a pop Gaysha and yes, to run a marathon in 2020.
While all the other items in my bucket list will burn a hole in my pocket, the marathon fits the definition of a progressive realization towards a worthy ideal.
I have 3 years for me to fulfill my indulgence list. Once Liz retires, I will retire with her.
Later... House chore.
Well, that's pretty much my meaning to be alive. I like to add more but the truth is I'd been there done that.
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You don't talk much nowadays. Why? You rather I ramble and you just keep quiet? I know I am bad news to you honey.
I am in a terrible state of mind without the cigarettes. I hope you can bear with me for the next 2 months being like this. Honestly, I prefer the old me. I am more jovial. At present I am neither sleep or awake.
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