21/8/18 There is no more need to deal externally

I might as well just focus on internal dialogue.  I no longer have anything to say externally.  In other words, I no longer have external issue.

My issue now is very much with my own 3 goals.  Hardly a concern for anybody.  Not even Juice for that matter.

So I take it from now on my blog is only for my own consumption.  I got a feeling I will lose Juice eventually.  There is nothing much I can say to her.  She is not gonna be listening to me ranting for long.  It may be a bit boring and repetitious.

However, I need repetition to recondition my mind.  One down and two to go as far as my goals are concerned.

The funny thing is I don't have that loving feeling anymore.  I am just ennui of all external stimulus.  I am becoming unemotional most of the time.  I am indifferent again to many things.  As if nothing matters.

Is this me underneath the emotional floodgate of cigarettes?  It is a very unsettling feeling.  I am losing part of myself.

Suddenly I even lost my sense of humor!  What is happening?  Will I spiral down into depression?  I don't think so.  I simply don't care about anything.  Nothing interest me it seems.

Maybe I had exceeded my personal limit in writing blogs,  Whatever it is, I am becoming utterly unsatisfied with my current condition,  Gosh, that is how much cigarettes had influence my life.  Beyond cigarettes I am a bore.

This is the phase I hate the most.  The boredom and depression phase.

Well, I just lay off from blogging for a while.

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